Monday, January 21, 2013

I have been getting a lot of questions about Mae Movement and what it means. The last post was all about how we started but today I wanted to go a little further. Do not worry it will still be a motivation Monday post :)

Last year when I was diagnosed with Chronic Insomnia... let me just say that is a novel in of itself,
I put a quote on my chalk board in my studio... " Let her sleep for when she wakes she will move mountains." I slept about an 1/2 hour to an hour every night for months. Just after of week of little sleep, I became rather ill from it, I was pulled out of school for my senior year and was at the doctors constantly. I would wake up in the night and early mornings to draw, paint, dream, etc. I designed and dreamed up Mae Movement, because I did not want my current condition to make me loose sight of vision. The quote for me was hope that I was going to get over this mountain. Mountains became a very symbolic thing for me and I felt like they showed up all time. I felt ok when I woke up, very alert but around 6 in the morning the pain started. I could feel every nerve in my body and it begged for sleep but I just couldn't. Then around 8 my body gave out, and I would black out for hours. When I finally would wake up I was so week because it felt like I was in a boxing match, I had very poor motor skills, I fell a lot and dropped more dishes and plates than I could keep track of. I also suffered from cognitive memory loss and had a hard time finding the right words. I kept those details from the people at school so nobody really knew what was going on and the " why isn't Haley in school, its just a sleep problem." started... 

I was afraid of letting people down. My family, friends, our movers and my subscribers on youtube. I was trying to be a light, to inspire people on health and lifestyle tips, but how could I in this condition. Over the corse of about  4 months I felt like I had lost myself. I was not strong anymore, I certainly could not run 1/2 marathon, I was lucky if I felt strong enough to get myself to the doctors. I was moody, miserable and I am almost positive my family did not know this person I had become. My dreams of going to New York City for Art school seemed to evaporate. Most of all my attitude on life was becoming negative. I did not see the light at the end of the tunnel, the top of that mountain was nowhere in sight and my faith was not strong. If it was not for Dee I really do not know what would have happened to me. No matter how mean I was she always said " Hale I have to Love you through it." I did not deserve that. I knew how terrible I was acting but in my mind I couldn't help it. That is why so many of my post's deal with the power of self talk and choosing your  happiness, because trust me, for months I had to work hard to overcome it. 

I also dealt with extreme anxiety of not being in school, worrying about what people thought of me and socially I had become a hermit. I was very involved in school, sports, vice president of my school and the Delaware state student senate, theater, worship team, you name it I did it. So when all of sudden I was just gone, cut off from everyone and everything it caused a lot of rumors and negative talk about me. What hurt the most was some of the talk was coming from people I thought were my friends, I felt like a freak and very alone.  

Before Insomnia in September and during Insomnia in the Winter
 ( yes I even started to lose my hair, thats what it looks scraggly)
It did not have my picture taken at all the first few months so this was when I was doing better. 

I got to a point in February where I was sleeping 3 hours a night which was HUGE for me. I started telling myself I was going to go into school for an afternoon to see my friends But there was that self talk again. I was letting fear control me. Dee kept telling me to try. Just try and push yourself, step out of your comfort zone.  Do you know it took me a month to finally go in, but I tried it, I did it, and slowly I was able to go in, I even managed to work past my anxieties and went on the senior class trip. I did re-lapse again in the spring right after IMATS... crazy to think of the timing of all of this. So the next mountain for me.... was graduation. I almost let myself not walk at graduation. I can not imagine now, how I would have felt if I did not walk with my class. Again I had to wrestle with myself, push aside the fear my not feeling accepted by my class and me not feeling like I deserved it. Walking at graduation was a huge accomplishment but if I would have never made the decision to TRY, I would have never went into school, never gone on the trip, or graduated with my class.  

I truly believe all this happened as test. Satan tries to bring us down and get in the way of us reaching our full potential. If it had never happened to me Mae movement would not have the substance and the real life examples it needed. I most certainly would not have been as aware of the life lessons we talk about.  I would never have come up with all those healthy sweets recipes because before insomnia I NEVER had a sweet tooth but lack of sleep will make you crave sugar !!!! so I had to figure out a way to handle it but in a healthy way : ) The past year I had to try different things that were way out of my comfort zone I had no choice but to approach life from a different angle.... A TRY-angle ;) Mountains in a sense are triangles. If you think you can not get over that mountain, chances are you have not tried yet. Every accomplishment starts with the decision to TRY. 

Like I said this story is long enough to be a few chapters in book and who knows mae-be one day it will ;)

As always,

Much Love and Many Blessings


1 comment :

  1. Luv ur way of struggling,may you do things in a most better way...
    Luv ur vidoes..